The 7 Secrets of Being A Home Birth Dad
All Dads to be are nervous or at least skeptical when their
wife/partner first mentions the idea of having a home birth. This is
nothing to be ashamed of us guys are conditioned by a lifetimes
constant bombardment that Doctors know best and that it is our
patriarchy duty to always make safe choices. That's why when my wife
Bel first brought up the idea for the birth of our second Daughter my
first train of thought was about risk. Images of John Hurt's chest
cracking open and a tiny, evil alien being screeching it's bloody
arrival to the universe ran through my mind. I looked up at the walls
of our apartment and wondered whether an arterial spray of blood could
ever be washed out of that particular shade of off white.
Ten minutes googling dissolved my misconception that home birth is
reckless (with Bel peering over my shoulder and directing me to
websites she'd already read). In a nutshell, there are studies for and
against, but if you listen to your own common sense you will probably
agree it's just as safe, if not safer. You can Google all that stuff
yourself, what I want to really want to talk about is the second train
of though that ran through my head why?
Why have a home birth? My wife had her reasons and she laid them out
for me. Bel had a horrible experience in hospital with our first
daughter and that was a big part of it. As Bel explained it to me I
nodded and said 'umm' a lot and was happy to go along with it because
I knew it was what she wanted. But I never had reasons of my own
from my selfish perspective as a Dad until I had experienced it for
myself. These reasons are the 7 secrets I want to share with you guys
now.
1. In a home birth you are no longer relegated to the bench.
Before the birth itself there is more to think about in a planning and
logistics sort of way, ranging from buying equipment to manly jobs
like making sure the birth pool hose actually attaches to your taps.
On game day you are not just a big hairy thing whose only use is to be
squeezed viciously or swore at. You are in charge of the birth pool,
maybe even catching the baby (I'm doing that next time). And, aside
from the mother, who will be a little preoccupied, you are the only
person in the building who knows where all the towels are. If you have
ever read The Hitchhikers Guide, you'll know how vital that is.
2. You'll lose less hair and gain less wrinkles.
Having a baby is always frightening on some level, if you're not
scared out your wits you must be medicated or dead inside. With a home
birth though there are less things that stress you out and feed the
ugly fear monster within. Think of it: No traffic. No worry of getting
lost. No worry of the car not starting. No worry that you've forgotten
something. No pacing corridors. No worry about what's happening. No
corridors to pace. No smug doctors. You'll still be worried, but it
won't consume you. Besides in a home birth, you have too many jobs
to do to have time to let your fear monster run free.
3. Home is where the heart is not to mention cds, dvds, the playstation...
All your comforts. Your music, your TV, your favourite mug, your
fridge, your magazines, your books even your beer I guess. You'll be
more relaxed, the mum will be more relaxed and the baby will be more
relaxed too when he/she pops out. I'll be honest, despite the stimulus
of worry and excitement, births are pretty boring. Maybe I have a
short attention span, but it's not, you know, entertainment. And we
all know they can go on a bit. With a home birth you will be a
thousand times less bored as you can take a break and read a magazine
or flip on the idiot box for a bit. Hell, it's probably less boring
for the midwifes too.
4. Say goodbye to the little things that kill
Me? I hate hospitals for a million and one small and big reasons.
Looking back now I can't believe I didn't jump for joy when Bel
mentioned having a home birth simply because I wouldn't have to go to
one. My main problem with hospitals is this - the idea of being
surrounded by sick people sounds like a bad strategy if you want to
stay healthy. Plus there are hundred small things: it smells bad, the
foods nasty, it's demeaning to find you way by following coloured
lines on the floor and most importantly, when your newborn arrives
he/she won't be woken up by someone else's screaming child. Hospitals
suck, home rules!
5. You don't have to live the delivery room cliche of the hapless and
scorned father
You know the one - where the woman in labor hates her husband and
screams blue murder into his face, punches him etc. Either that or she
is so medicated and spaced out she doesn't even know what a father is
let alone who you are. With a home birth her labor is undisturbed. She
does not have to be picked up halfway through and rushed to the
hospital. I cannot state enough how much a difference this makes.
6. You are He-man of the home, you have the power!
That's right. It's not the power of grayskull though, it's the power
of being the master of your environment. It's a subtle difference, but
one you will notice.Your home is your place. You pay for it. The
midwives and guests are the fish out of water. If they want something,
they ask you. There's a funny thing about evolution, it has created
the subconscious trait that whoever gives out the food is the dominant
player in any situation. That's why in a home birth you will find it
feels a lot more natural to ask more questions about what's going on,
to make sure that the birth plan is stuck to and to generally be more
involved and have more say over the whole thing.
7. You won't have your surprised, fragile heart ripped out.
If you only remember one of these secrets, make sure it's this one. At
the end of a home birth, the midwifes leave. Not you. This is the way
it should be. In a hospital, you will be torn away from you newborn
child and your exhausted wife at the very peak of your emotional
vulnerability. Let me paint the picture for you real quick: two weeks
before my eldest daughter was born my Dad had died, we were not
financially safe and I didn't have a job. In short, it was tough. But
being the alpha male I am, I wasn't showing it and being the rock
solid guy I like to think I am. But the instant I saw my new daughters
face I discovered a vein of happiness and a depth of feeling that
washed away my ego and my fears and even helped me come to terms with
my Dad's recent death and made me, a mainly scientific sort of
thinker, to almost see a thread of symmetry within life. If that's
all a bit too Lion King for you I apologize, my main point is this
at that point the most unnatural thing in the world for me to do was
leave my daughter, drive home and lay on my couch for eight hours and
wait for the sun to rise. To make me do that, is probably the cruelest
thing that has ever been done to me. In retrospect I wish I had stayed
and made them try and have me arrested to make me leave. I have
forever lost that first night with my first born.
These are my reasons why home birth was better for me. I've called
them secrets, because these things are not common knowledge and are
not talked about all that much even within the world of home birth
programs and message groups etc. It's not all good you will have to
clean up afterwards. That's not anyone's idea of fun. But hey, that's
a small price to pay in my opinion.
After experiencing both hospital and home birth my wife and I wouldn't
even consider going to a hospital again unless there was a very
compelling medical reason why we should do so. That's compelling, by
our standards of reason and common sense. Not what any medical
profession says. It's a no-brainer for us. As a Dad there is really
no comparison to be made. You are a key part of a home birth. The
mother needs you and is relying on you. In a way it's a shame when
it's all over because you revert back to being a useless man again
before the midwifes leftover tea goes cold.
Ven Batista